My life

Lurching from one disaster to another...just a suburban princess trying to get by!

Thursday, 31 May 2012

A hard post to write...

Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health and suicide. 
If you are unable to cope with these concepts or would rather not proceed then please don't read on.

The information supplied is from my personal experience and should not replace professional medical advice.

"And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
('cause) you're not welcome anymore"

As many of you may know, I am currently residing as a patient of a mental health facility. I have just entered my third week.

Luckily I had options, good private health insurance & excellent medical support. 

I am a "voluntary" patient in that I have certain freedoms, but if I try to leave or hurt myself,  they will move me to a locked facility.

On the 14th of this month I came within a few hours of suicide.  Sheer luck, in that I made an offhand comment to my psychologist in the 55th minute of our one hour session saved my life, seriously. 

I had a plan, I had the opportunity, I was at peace with my decision, I was that close. That one comment, I don't even remember what I said, as I had just bullshitted my way through the whole session knowing it would be my last, put in place a serious of events that saved my life. As in, literally saved it.

I was on a high dose of medication, with regular GP & psychologist visits, but apparently am an Oscar worthy actress and world class liar, no-one knew what was brewing.

This was not my first brush with suicide, a similar thing happened in February of this year, luckily I told my husband and we sought help before it was too late.
Unfortunately I wasn't as well as we all thought after that incident.

My particular form of the illness is severe depression and anxiety, including panic attacks and suicidal ideation. Since changing medication I have also developed a serious case of OCD, a real bastard of a thing.

I am not suicidal per se at present, receiving a LOT of medication & therapy, but I don't particularly wish to live.  I am safe where I am, and I feel safe, and am making baby steps every day.  There is a long way to go, often one step forward and three steps back.

This is very hurtful to the people who love me and who I love dearly.  This has nothing to do with any person or any one situation.  It is an illness caused by a chemical imbalance, neglected to the point where I am now. 

Whilst logically I know I have much to live for, no problem in life can't be overcome, that it would damage many people's lives, logic just doesn't have a place in my thinking.

This is the first of a series of posts that I will be running not only chronicling my progress but also some useful resources for those who are either suffering a mental illness or know someone who does.  My humble aim is to educate and change the community's perception of mental illness and it's sufferers. 

Tomorrow I will share a little about my personal experience of the mental health system.

There are many resources available online, through your GP or at your local hospital.

If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide, please talk to someone, call Lifeline on 13 11 44.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).

Jo xxx


  1. Brave to write! Hopeing always for the best for anyone feeling this way.....

  2. Wow! Such a brave thing to write about an so honestly. I hope your treatment keeps helping & you can work towards feeling better.

  3. Wow! Such a brave and honest thing to write about. I hope you continue to feel better about things with your treatment..

  4. Hi Jo

    Cheering you on all the way to good health!


  5. Amazing post. All my best wishes and kind thoughts to you xo

  6. "Whilst logically I know I have much to live for, no problem in life can't be overcome, that it would damage many people's lives, logic just doesn't have a place in my thinking." we went through this after my BIL was, a little too late, diagnosed with bipolar disorder … sadly, his self-view was so damaged that no amount of medication or support could turn his thinking around. we lost him.

    "I was at peace with my decision" described to perfection the day he walked out of my MIL's house, calm and seemingly more positive than he had been for weeks. i now recognise this as a red flag with those suffering mental illness …

    the louder the voice of people who have been where you are, the better we will all become at offering help that is genuinely useful. i know you are struggling big time so truly appreciate the time you have taken to write this. xt


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