I've been to Paradise (well Surfers) but I've never been to me…

Hey, you know what paradise is

It's a lie

A fantasy we create about people

And places as we'd like them to be

Lyrics taken from "I've Never Been To Me"by Charlene

As women we are pressured, mostly by our peers, heroes, the media whoever to be perfect, to have it all, the marriage, the kids, the house, the job, whatever it is you feel society demands of you.  But it's hard to keep up, to keep the facade of perfection going.

I had it all. Happy marriage, healthy kids, a home I loved and a successful business…

...and mental illness that I ignored until it almost won.

I still have a happy marriage, for the large part my kids are healthy, I have moved from the house which had turned into a millstone representing all my failures and I closed the doors on my business.

The other thing, the depression and anxiety, the thing that almost took me out, which threatened everything I hold dear, is something I battle with daily…probably always will.

I am heavily medicated, undergoing counselling and in a much better place that I was…but it's always there, ready to pounce.

I am safe, relatively stable and working on the mess I have created in my life.  I won't go into too many details, a lot of it is just too personal, or isn't my story to tell, or may hurt the innocent.  People will not be happy that I am posting this but I feel a certain freedom brought about by the anonymity of my blog.

So, to a new chapter, one where enormous changes are being made in my life.  I am not working at present, well not in paid employment anyway.  I am throwing myself into caring for my family and working out who I am, where I want to go, what I want to do with the rest of my life…on healing.

In a way, this shitty illness has given me the opportunity to re-evaluate my life, the things I thought were so important…most importantly the gift of time.

In general my blog will not change a lot, except that I will be using it more often!  I will still be a bitch (that's here to stay), express my opinions, some of which are quite forceful, write unsolicited reviews, share recipes, photos…whatever.  I will even attempt to be funny, I once was, I'm sure it's still in here...somewhere.

Jo xxx