Tits, Tatts and my new life

This year I have had my life turned upside down, quite literally.  I am no longer a home owner, a business owner or have a little boy.

Now don't panic at the last statement, it's all for the better.

We sold our house.  If you have ever owned a Colonial Queenslander you will  know that whilst they are beautiful, they are a bastard to maintain and basically a money pit, sapping your time,  money and all your energy.  I had loved my house, no doubt about it, but it was time to move on, a lot of bad shit happened in our lives while we lived there.

We now live in a lovely townhouse, in a beautiful quiet part of town, with no maintenance, not even gardening, an en-suite, WIR and all for 2/3 the price of our mortgage!  Loving it...and the stairs are doing wonders for my legs and arse but my knees do seem to crack and creak rather alarmingly, but as my doctor revels in telling me, I'm not getting any younger!

I finally accepted that my business was not doing me any good, it's demands had overtaken my whole life and quite frankly I just didn't have the strength left to keep it going. So it's sold, gone, kaput.

My little boy has turned 18, a shocking event that seemed to come from no-where. One minute  you are up to your eyeballs in shitty nappies and night feeds, the next they are working, out on the piss with their mates or sleeping.  We have just been informed that he intends to move out as soon as he can, and whilst I am sad I also have the packing boxes ready...

Recently I wrote about my run-in with a charming gentleman who loudly, and publicly appreciated my "magnificent tits", so I blogged about it...as you do.

Since Christmas I have lost almost 20kg.  Great I hear you say, I wouldn't recommend my method (illness) but I am happy with the results...still a long way to go though.

Of late, and by "late" I mean the last 20 years or so, I have barely bothered with make-up, blow dried my hair about twice a year and was often to be seen out and about in baggy old trackies and sandshoes.  But no more.  In a case of fake it until you make it, I have started wearing make up, doing my hair and wearing better clothes, which makes me feel better, which in turn gives me confidence and a boost to me almost non-existent self-esteem.  It is habit forming, in a good way. Now I don't spend hours batting my eye-lashes at myself in the mirror but am starting to give a shit about how I feel about me.  I have spent years worrying what others thought of me, deciding that it wasn't much, so I just didn't bother.  I am not doing it for anyone but me (and maybe hubby, he appreciates that changes but loved me for who I has before) and I'm enjoying it.

I have decided to reward myself for every 5 kg lost.  The first 5 was with a navel piercing, the second a teeny, tiny piercing in the top of my ear and the third...

...those of you who follow me on twitter will know that I got a tattoo this week. My first.

I have always wanted one but was too concerned with what people would think of me to go ahead, but no more! (sorry Mum)  I now have a lovely butterfly tattooed on the inside of my wrist.  It gives me hope and strength and represents the positive changes I am making in my life.

Now you may ask, did it hurt? Hell yes, it hurt. But only when the needle was in my skin, and it was a good pain, a cathartic experience washing away a lot of old baggage.  The most painful part of the whole experience though was the crap music playing loudly in the background, dunno what it was but is it too much to ask for a little Adele? I think not! Made me feel so, so old.

I am now very close to the 4th target now and am going to get some pampering from the girls at Ella Bache...

So in a nutshell, a big one I'll agree, that's where  I'm at.  Taking some time out, getting well and working out where life will take me next.

And loving it!

Jo xxx

I've been to Paradise (well Surfers) but I've never been to me…

Hey, you know what paradise is

It's a lie

A fantasy we create about people

And places as we'd like them to be

Lyrics taken from "I've Never Been To Me"by Charlene

As women we are pressured, mostly by our peers, heroes, the media whoever to be perfect, to have it all, the marriage, the kids, the house, the job, whatever it is you feel society demands of you.  But it's hard to keep up, to keep the facade of perfection going.

I had it all. Happy marriage, healthy kids, a home I loved and a successful business…

...and mental illness that I ignored until it almost won.

I still have a happy marriage, for the large part my kids are healthy, I have moved from the house which had turned into a millstone representing all my failures and I closed the doors on my business.

The other thing, the depression and anxiety, the thing that almost took me out, which threatened everything I hold dear, is something I battle with daily…probably always will.

I am heavily medicated, undergoing counselling and in a much better place that I was…but it's always there, ready to pounce.

I am safe, relatively stable and working on the mess I have created in my life.  I won't go into too many details, a lot of it is just too personal, or isn't my story to tell, or may hurt the innocent.  People will not be happy that I am posting this but I feel a certain freedom brought about by the anonymity of my blog.

So, to a new chapter, one where enormous changes are being made in my life.  I am not working at present, well not in paid employment anyway.  I am throwing myself into caring for my family and working out who I am, where I want to go, what I want to do with the rest of my life…on healing.

In a way, this shitty illness has given me the opportunity to re-evaluate my life, the things I thought were so important…most importantly the gift of time.

In general my blog will not change a lot, except that I will be using it more often!  I will still be a bitch (that's here to stay), express my opinions, some of which are quite forceful, write unsolicited reviews, share recipes, photos…whatever.  I will even attempt to be funny, I once was, I'm sure it's still in here...somewhere.

Jo xxx

For sale…

Two weeks ago we put our house on the market…

…after doing a bit of work, seeing the professional photos and the interest it has caused I am wavering, not sure if I want to sell now.  

I love my home!

The biggest losers...

Ok, I may well lose readers over this post. Sad but if you feel that way then don’t let the door hit you in the arse on your way out.

There was an online article yesterday regarding some former “Biggest Loser” contestants complaining that they have put their weight back on again. Read it here.

Poor diddums.

They were contestants on a reality game show.  The TV station, producers, crew, even the trainers are there because they are being paid to provide entertainment.  Even Hayley (so much more sincere than AJ Courtcase) is there for the bucks. It doesn’t have much to do with how good you are at achieving weight loss at the end of the day, it is how well you play the game, and after all, that’s why you are there.

The sole purpose is to amuse the public, to make us feel superior (or inferior as the case may be), to watch people at their worst, tearing themselves and others down.  To provide a voyeuristic public with a view of fat people at their very worst.

The show takes people who clearly have huge problems, in a lot of cases horrible personalities and no shame whatsoever, and throws them to the mercy of some pretty twisted individuals who torture them for our viewing pleasure. Possibly the worst torture for all is that they are forced to do it in Lycra, while being screamed at and filmed from terrible angles.

Now these people are fat because they eat too much and don’t exercise enough. Full stop.

There are reasons why they do this, the past, abuse, family dynamics whatever.  These are the reasons why mental health professionals exist, to help people deal with the underlying causes of their “issues” so that they can then take steps to get healthy.

It isn’t really how you look at the end that counts, it’s that you can be there for your family, be healthy, and lead the life you want.  TV being TV though it is all about the dream outfit, the make-over, the magazine shoots, dealing with the superficial rather than the real problems.

 

Unfortunately, deluded people who are looking for a quick fix sign up for this show in droves, expecting miracles and when they don’t get them are looking for someone to blame.

In the article a former contestant who lost 25kg, a great effort you say, yes, but still dangerously overweight, has now piled on over 40kg since she left the show. And she is angry, I would be angry to, with myself though, not the show.  The show didn’t make her stop all exercise and eat the amount that it would take to put on that kind of weight. That is some dedication there.  The show stopped when she walked off-stage and back into her life.

Of course real life is going to get in the way, no-one has 8 hours a day to exercise, not much of a life anyway if you did, but the simple truth is that if you burn more kilojoules than you consume you will lose weight.

 

Now to do that you need to get your shit together, review your life, relationships whatever. Get help sure.  You also need to take responsibility for your own actions. No-one is holding you down and shoving the food into your mouth, step up and get on with it.

Alcoholics and drug addicts have to go through some pretty shitty things to get well, so why should food addiction be any different.  It is though. You can successfully navigate life without booze and drugs, it isn’t easy but you can, but you have to eat food to live…and it is everywhere - every magazine, TV shows galore, billboards. All of these addictions will trash your life and more than likely kill you, but there is no sympathy for the fat.

Society would never stand for a show with mentally ill people working through their problems in such a way but it is socially acceptable to laugh at the obese, whatever the reason for their size, including mental illness. To view them as entertainment. The TV stations are just cashing in on that…it’s their function.

But as long as people line up to get their fat arses on TV then people will watch. 

So if you are really serious about weight loss, get help, go for a walk, eat your veggies, whatever it takes but don’t blames others for your own behaviour.

It is sad, but probably the biggest losers are those who learn nothing from their experience.

Note: I am extremely overweight and struggle every day.  It is a process that I have to work though myself, a position I got myself into.  It is no-one’s fault but mine and I own it. If it was a matter of will power I would be a size 8, I quit smoking cold turkey several years ago and never looked back, that was easy, I just stopped.  It took a long time for me to get this size and will take a long time to get healthy again.  Everyone of has our own challenges, for example some people are just born arseholes, and there is no fixing that. I will do it though….and no Lycra shots I promise! Support is nice but not expected, I won’t bore you to tears with every kg lost, but I will be putting regular updates on the blog to keep myself accountable.  xxx

Changes

Ok, so I have hinted and skirted around the fact that I have some weight to lose, okay, a LOT of weight to lose.

I have lost heaps and gained it back with extra over the years.

The fact is I now have to lose approximately what a whole person weighs.

While I have been overweight for my whole adult life the last 10 years have seen me really pile it on.  A combination of stress, depression and hormonal issues has led me to the situation I am now in.

My health is starting to be affected, my doctor is on my back to make changes, and worse (to my fucked up mind), my sister has recently lost a huge amount of weight.

I don’t want to live this way any longer, the smirks, the comments, the feeling like crap need to stop.  No sure why people HAVE to be assholes, at least I can lose weight, they will always be assholes!

I have tried it all, the big expensive companies, weight watchers – online & meetings, shakes & fads, nothing has worked for me.  So last week I bit the bullet and went to see a Dietician, she was lovely.  She gave me the confidence to address some things in my life and a general guide to eating.   It isn’t so much my meals that are the problem; it is all the other shit I eat too!  She also suggested counselling, meh, am so not going there!

I don’t feel strong enough to actually put my weight out there for now, or a picture! But I will share that I would like to lose 58kg...brings tears to your eyes hey?

So, I work best when I am accountable, so I figure that this is the way to go for me.

I have added a weight loss tracker to my blog which I will update every week.

I will set myself a challenge every week to make a permanent change in my life...big or small, just so long as I change SOMETHING.

I am going to change my life for the better and invite you to join me as I do.

So this weeks challenge is to drink more water, and trust me it is a challenge for me to drink enough!

What changes do you need to make in your lives?