A hard post to write...

Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health and suicide. 
If you are unable to cope with these concepts or would rather not proceed then please don't read on.

The information supplied is from my personal experience and should not replace professional medical advice.

"And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
('cause) you're not welcome anymore"

"I Will Survive" was first performed by American singer Gloria Gaynor, released in October 1978 by Polydor. It was written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris.  I have shortened the lyrics to suit my present situation, hopefully, in time, more of the lyrics will be appropriate.

As many of you may know, I am currently residing as a patient of a mental health facility. I have just entered my third week.

Luckily I had options, good private health insurance & excellent medical support. 

I am a "voluntary" patient in that I have certain freedoms, but if I try to leave or hurt myself,  they will move me to a locked facility.

On the 14th of this month I came within a few hours of suicide.  Sheer luck, in that I made an offhand comment to my psychologist in the 55th minute of our one hour session saved my life, seriously. 

I had a plan, I had the opportunity, I was at peace with my decision, I was that close. That one comment, I don't even remember what I said, as I had just bullshitted my way through the whole session knowing it would be my last, put in place a serious of events that saved my life. As in, literally saved it.

I was on a high dose of medication, with regular GP & psychologist visits, but apparently am an Oscar worthy actress and world class liar, no-one knew what was brewing.

This was not my first brush with suicide, a similar thing happened in February of this year, luckily I told my husband and we sought help before it was too late.
 
Unfortunately I wasn't as well as we all thought after that incident.

My particular form of the illness is severe depression and anxiety, including panic attacks and suicidal ideation. Since changing medication I have also developed a serious case of OCD, a real bastard of a thing.

I am not suicidal per se at present, receiving a LOT of medication & therapy, but I don't particularly wish to live.  I am safe where I am, and I feel safe, and am making baby steps every day.  There is a long way to go, often one step forward and three steps back.

This is very hurtful to the people who love me and who I love dearly.  This has nothing to do with any person or any one situation.  It is an illness caused by a chemical imbalance, neglected to the point where I am now. 

Whilst logically I know I have much to live for, no problem in life can't be overcome, that it would damage many people's lives, logic just doesn't have a place in my thinking.

This is the first of a series of posts that I will be running not only chronicling my progress but also some useful resources for those who are either suffering a mental illness or know someone who does.  My humble aim is to educate and change the community's perception of mental illness and it's sufferers. 

Tomorrow I will share a little about my personal experience of the mental health system.

There are many resources available online, through your GP or at your local hospital.

If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide, please talk to someone, call Lifeline on 13 11 44.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).

Jo xxx

Princess...

Don’t pretend I think you know I’m damn precious

And Hell Yeah

I’m the motherfucking princess

I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right

"Girlfriend"Avril Lavigne

A while ago my husband started sarcastically calling me princess, but goddamn it he isn't far from the truth!

I certainly have more class and less scandals than your average royal.

I am now a stay at home wife/mum/princess and happy with that.  I cook, clean, shop and do the washing with style an elegance as befits one with my self-appointed status.

I have a "Princess room", much like the gorgeous Mrs Woog's Lady room, where I can blog, surf the net, watch tv, read, craft or sit on my ass in my comfy chair with my feet up doing sweet fuck all, just like a real princess!

The rest of my life has turned to shit but I am determined to rise above, in my pink & purple butterfly covered heaven.

Don't judge me, I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...

Do you have a haven to which you can escape for "princess time"?

Tits, Tatts and my new life

This year I have had my life turned upside down, quite literally.  I am no longer a home owner, a business owner or have a little boy.

Now don't panic at the last statement, it's all for the better.

We sold our house.  If you have ever owned a Colonial Queenslander you will  know that whilst they are beautiful, they are a bastard to maintain and basically a money pit, sapping your time,  money and all your energy.  I had loved my house, no doubt about it, but it was time to move on, a lot of bad shit happened in our lives while we lived there.

We now live in a lovely townhouse, in a beautiful quiet part of town, with no maintenance, not even gardening, an en-suite, WIR and all for 2/3 the price of our mortgage!  Loving it...and the stairs are doing wonders for my legs and arse but my knees do seem to crack and creak rather alarmingly, but as my doctor revels in telling me, I'm not getting any younger!

I finally accepted that my business was not doing me any good, it's demands had overtaken my whole life and quite frankly I just didn't have the strength left to keep it going. So it's sold, gone, kaput.

My little boy has turned 18, a shocking event that seemed to come from no-where. One minute  you are up to your eyeballs in shitty nappies and night feeds, the next they are working, out on the piss with their mates or sleeping.  We have just been informed that he intends to move out as soon as he can, and whilst I am sad I also have the packing boxes ready...

Recently I wrote about my run-in with a charming gentleman who loudly, and publicly appreciated my "magnificent tits", so I blogged about it...as you do.

Since Christmas I have lost almost 20kg.  Great I hear you say, I wouldn't recommend my method (illness) but I am happy with the results...still a long way to go though.

Of late, and by "late" I mean the last 20 years or so, I have barely bothered with make-up, blow dried my hair about twice a year and was often to be seen out and about in baggy old trackies and sandshoes.  But no more.  In a case of fake it until you make it, I have started wearing make up, doing my hair and wearing better clothes, which makes me feel better, which in turn gives me confidence and a boost to me almost non-existent self-esteem.  It is habit forming, in a good way. Now I don't spend hours batting my eye-lashes at myself in the mirror but am starting to give a shit about how I feel about me.  I have spent years worrying what others thought of me, deciding that it wasn't much, so I just didn't bother.  I am not doing it for anyone but me (and maybe hubby, he appreciates that changes but loved me for who I has before) and I'm enjoying it.

I have decided to reward myself for every 5 kg lost.  The first 5 was with a navel piercing, the second a teeny, tiny piercing in the top of my ear and the third...

...those of you who follow me on twitter will know that I got a tattoo this week. My first.

I have always wanted one but was too concerned with what people would think of me to go ahead, but no more! (sorry Mum)  I now have a lovely butterfly tattooed on the inside of my wrist.  It gives me hope and strength and represents the positive changes I am making in my life.

Now you may ask, did it hurt? Hell yes, it hurt. But only when the needle was in my skin, and it was a good pain, a cathartic experience washing away a lot of old baggage.  The most painful part of the whole experience though was the crap music playing loudly in the background, dunno what it was but is it too much to ask for a little Adele? I think not! Made me feel so, so old.

I am now very close to the 4th target now and am going to get some pampering from the girls at Ella Bache...

So in a nutshell, a big one I'll agree, that's where  I'm at.  Taking some time out, getting well and working out where life will take me next.

And loving it!

Jo xxx

I've been to Paradise (well Surfers) but I've never been to me…

Hey, you know what paradise is

It's a lie

A fantasy we create about people

And places as we'd like them to be

Lyrics taken from "I've Never Been To Me"by Charlene

As women we are pressured, mostly by our peers, heroes, the media whoever to be perfect, to have it all, the marriage, the kids, the house, the job, whatever it is you feel society demands of you.  But it's hard to keep up, to keep the facade of perfection going.

I had it all. Happy marriage, healthy kids, a home I loved and a successful business…

...and mental illness that I ignored until it almost won.

I still have a happy marriage, for the large part my kids are healthy, I have moved from the house which had turned into a millstone representing all my failures and I closed the doors on my business.

The other thing, the depression and anxiety, the thing that almost took me out, which threatened everything I hold dear, is something I battle with daily…probably always will.

I am heavily medicated, undergoing counselling and in a much better place that I was…but it's always there, ready to pounce.

I am safe, relatively stable and working on the mess I have created in my life.  I won't go into too many details, a lot of it is just too personal, or isn't my story to tell, or may hurt the innocent.  People will not be happy that I am posting this but I feel a certain freedom brought about by the anonymity of my blog.

So, to a new chapter, one where enormous changes are being made in my life.  I am not working at present, well not in paid employment anyway.  I am throwing myself into caring for my family and working out who I am, where I want to go, what I want to do with the rest of my life…on healing.

In a way, this shitty illness has given me the opportunity to re-evaluate my life, the things I thought were so important…most importantly the gift of time.

In general my blog will not change a lot, except that I will be using it more often!  I will still be a bitch (that's here to stay), express my opinions, some of which are quite forceful, write unsolicited reviews, share recipes, photos…whatever.  I will even attempt to be funny, I once was, I'm sure it's still in here...somewhere.

Jo xxx