My B.A.D

Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health concepts.

  The information supplied is from my personal experience and should not replace professional medical advice.

 

 

Two and a half years ago, after I had my meltdown,  I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.　Since that time I've done a fair bit of research, as you do, and have become more and more confused as time went on.

 

We all experience mood fluctuations in response to our everyday lives.  Bipolar is different in that the sufferer can experience wild swings in mood, affecting our work, family and social lives.

 

I was initially diagnosed as Bipolar II, typically characterised by episodes of both hypomania and depression but no manic episodes.  That's where the confusion arises, as I've experienced long periods of mania, not psychotic, but manic nonetheless. Bipolar I disorder is said to be present if one experiences episodes of mania and periods of depression.  Like me.

 

 

Also, the information online regarding my medication states it is for Bipolar I.  As I said, confusing.

 

I recently had a chat with my Psychiatrist about this very thing.  He told me that in Australia we have moved away from the whole Bipolar I vs II definition and now the illness is termed Bipolar Affective Disorder...same thing, different title.

 

He went on to tell me that the distinction between Bipolar I & II is mostly used in the US for the purposes of medical insurance.

 

In Australia the PBS and Medicare refer to Bipolar Affective Disorder as one condition, not distinguishing between Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

 

This made a huge load of sense to me,  as I used to have periods of mania...brilliant fun but destructive, depression...just awful and even mixed affective states where you have both at once...not good.  Now I know it's all one condition I'm less confused. 

 

Now that I am heavily medicated I don't get the mania or hypomania aspects of this illness, but I constantly have to battle the depression. 

 

I wish it was the other way around, life is a lot more fun with a bit of mania.

References:    Sane Australia    Black Dog Institute    Queensland Health

If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide,

please talk to someone, see your GP,
 call Lifeline on 13 11 44 or go to your local hospital emergency department.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).

Catching up

Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health and suicide.

 
If you are unable to cope with these concepts or would rather not proceed then please don't read on.

The information supplied is from my personal experience and should not replace professional medical advice.

 

Part 4 of my series on depression & suicide. 

Please find Part 1 , Part 2 & Part 3 via these links.

 

 

It's been a while since I talked about my mental health.  I struggle to construct a sentence let alone a whole blog post.  I blame a combination of brain fog caused by depression and medication...plus ECT, but more on that later.

 

 

2013 saw me in a different hospital for the better part of 3 months again.  I couldn't sleep, if I did I had the most appalling suicide dreams.  I was a mess of anxiety and panic attacks.  Not a good time for me.

I saw a new Doctor, who had some fairly different attitudes to treatment.  He enrolled me in an intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) course, changed ALL my medication and introduced ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) to my regime.  He was not a big believer in Psychologists.

Electroconvulsive treatment (ECT) is a medical procedure that is used to treat a range of mental illnesses, such as severe depression, catatonia and some forms of mania and schizophrenia. The treatment induces controlled seizures in the person by placing small electrodes at specific locations on the head. Read more here

I was initially terrified at the prospect of undergoing ECT, it is never discussed or portrayed in a positive manner and I really knew nothing about the procedure.  My previous Doctor had suggested that it might be a good idea but let me talk him out of it quite easily.

In reality, ECT is the same as any other procedure.  Depending on the hospital, you go into the "day surgery" area, change into your sexy hospital gown (or stay in your own clothes, again, depends on the hospital) then wait.  I have found that there isn't much of a wait as they churn through the patients very quickly, it only takes about 10 minutes each.  They you move through to the procedure room and get on the bed.  The anaesthetist puts in the line, they put the oxygen mask on and it's bye bye time.  You wake up in recovery. Done.

I found that I had a sore jaw the first time I had ECT, but after that no pain, not even a headache.  I have had some memory problems since my treatment.  There are entire weeks that are wiped from my memory and to this day I can't recall TV shows that I've watched.

2014 saw me suffering from depression again so it was back into hospital for a slight medication change and some more ECT, this time it was only for a week.

Since that, I've managed to stay out of hospital for over 12 months, just.  Medication increases and the addition of a Psychologist to my team have helped.  I also sleep, thanks to my medication.

I'm not depressed, I'm not manic, I'm somewhere in between.  The huge amounts of mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics and anti-depressants leave me feeling flat and foggy.  I find it hard to concentrate enough to read or write, engage in craft or other activities.  My Psychiatrist wants me to blog every day, and whilst I'm doing my best it's just not that easy!

 

If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide,

please talk to someone, see your GP,
 call Lifeline on 13 11 44 or go to your local hospital emergency department.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).

 

Wow...it's been a while!

How are we all my lovelies?

I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote here.  I have no excuse for my absence other than the fog of mental illness.  I just can't think of anything worth writing or at least that I think people would want to read!

My Psychiatrist wants me to write every day, tells me it will get easier and will be ideal therapy for me.  So ever the compliant patient here I am resurrecting my poor, neglected blog.

Jo xxx

It's been too long!

I was going to say I have no idea where this year has gone, or how I can't believe that I haven't written a post since January, but the sad fact is I know exactly where it's gone and why it's happened.

I've had a hell of a year.

In no particular order, I've had a major surgery causing a dramatic lifestyle change, a serious bout of depression leading to a couple of months in hospital and another month visiting relatives and recovering.  Exhausting.

I need to learn to look after myself better, to recognise when I'm going into a decline before it gets to the point where I have to spend so long in hospital.

I accept that there will be occasions where hospital is necessary, it seems to be the nature of my particular brand of mental illness, but I need to learn to get help sooner, to try to shorten those admissions.  Hopefully I can limit my stays to medication changes only rather than extended stays. 

I have to keep myself busy, building new neural pathways, doing a range of new things (or old things I had stopped doing).

Part of my recovery includes writing, something I haven't been able to do for much of the last year.

So for better or worse, I'm back.

Love Jo xxx

Side effects

Warning: This post contains details regarding mental health and suicide.
If you are unable to cope with these concepts or would rather not proceed then please don't read on.

The information supplied is from my personal experience and should not replace professional medical advice.

It's a sad fact that the medications used to treat mental illness, as well as most other illnesses I guess but I can't speak from personal experience about those, are riddled with horrible side effects.

Now some people handle medication beautifully, but my observation is that mental illness of any kind generally involves lots of tweaking and experimentation to get to a dosage that is acceptable.

Since I crashed and burned earlier this year I have gone through most of the medications available for Bipolar Disorder.  It turns out that I am particularly sensitive to medication and some of the side-effects are worse than the illness.

I have variously experienced over the last few months nausea, diarrhoea/constipation (TMI I know), dizziness, sleeplessness, grogginess, mania/crushing depression/suicidal tendencies/mixed episodes (a bit of each), rashes, blurred vision, sensitive eyes, sensitive skin, high blood pressure and changes to my liver function tests necessitating a 4 month wait to see a gastroenterologist. 

I have also had fevers, cold like symptoms and my hair is falling out by the handful.  Most worryingly is the crippling joint pain,  all my joints burn and swell, some days it is all I can do to get out of bed.  I feel absolutely exhausted all the time, bone tired.  And then there is the weight gain...I won't even go there!

I should have shares in my local chemist, seemingly every time I see my Psychiatrist there is a new medication, or a new dosage required.  They know me by name.

The blood tests seem endless, tests to see if the medication is at the right level, tests to see what damage it's doing, tests to see why I have been so ill...they think it was my old medication but the symptoms have not subsided after it was changed.

I live in hope that things settle down.  In the meantime I will persevere, continue with medication, doctor visits, therapy, meditation and mindfulness.

It is an exhausting and expensive process, I can only imagine what it is like for people who have lived with this illness for years...

If you are suffering a mental illness or considering suicide,

please talk to someone, your GP, call Lifeline on 13 11 44

or go to your local hospital emergency department.

If you are in physical danger please call 000 (Australia only).

Love Jo xxx